I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
