I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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