i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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