Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
