toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
