My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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