i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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