I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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