Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
