pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You're a waste of cheezeits
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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