I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
