she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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