I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
