# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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