Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
