...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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