We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
