Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
