I'm pants shitting drunk right now
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is