my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.