I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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