i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
