i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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