This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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