Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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