I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
