remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
