i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize