fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
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yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
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You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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