u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Randomize
