remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
