I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was not drunk enough for that final.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
