Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
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I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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