my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
