Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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