my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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