Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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