It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
