I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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