dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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