Even the bartender felt bad for me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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