Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
