These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's never too late to be topless.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
