At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage