Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.