forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.