He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
