If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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