I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
