thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I miss vodka workout Fridays
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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