Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There's always time for handjobs
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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