Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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