We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
