Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
