im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
