So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
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i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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