Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
