"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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