i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize